Today I took my first epic hike in the Sandia Mountain Wilderness and Cibola National Forest. After navigating the Saturn down some unsettlingly primitive roads, I reached the trail head. There is a certain degree of joy in taking the Saturn off the beaten path.

I took a moment to peruse the map of trails and various warnings. Hikers in the Sandias die from falling trees all the time, apparently. And did you know this?:

"Visitors might be surprised to learn that fleas carrying bubonic plague can sometimes be found in New Mexico. Stay away from dead rodents that you might come across while in the wilderness."

If the threat of falling trees and the plague was not exciting enough- there are cougars and bears too! The signs instructed me to never hike alone, but I'm no coward.

Less than a quarter of a mile into this hike, I encountered a shirtless man whose skin had the quality of... I don't know. It looked extremely smooth and extremely sunburned. He also warned me about hiking alone. He strongly insisted that I find a stick and carry it with me. "Why?" you might ask. Perhaps to make my walk more peaceful and relaxing? For something to lean on? No, nothing quite so tame. This stick was explicitly to be used (this is a direct quote from the grandfatherly man with a sunburn) to "beat the shit out of a mountain lion."

That's correct. If a mountain lion attacks you, you should always attempt to beat the shit out of it. This is my stick:

Yes, despite being vegan and newly able to articulate a more radical than ever stance on animal rights, if it came down to it, I would bludgeon a cougar that wanted to eat me with this thing. I selected this stick after misplacing my first one when I stopped to have a snack and drink water. I nearly discarded this stick after a sharp protrusion cut my leg, but then decided this was actually just a reason to keep this particular stick.

I did not see any mountain lions, bears or dead rodents, though.